I have come to a realization regarding my tenuous, complicated, tension-ridden relationship with this place:

There may be days when I smile and laugh and truly feel good.

There may be classes or institutions that put forth ideas which spark an excited passion within me.

There may be (many. in fact most) days when I'm running around, occupied, too busy to even call my parents.

I may attain some degree of "social success" - final club, lots of sort-of-friends... a boy who graduated last year exclaimed in wonder, "But weren't you voted one of the fifteen hottest freshman?!" when I told him I had a rough freshman year. I guess we just have different values.

I may live day to day absolutely content.

BUT

I will never feel completely at ease here.

I will always be on edge, anxious.

AND

My heart will never gush, overflow, and simply spread into the same, warm, comfortable smile that it does while I'm home.



Even when things are fine here, I'm doing well, I will still be and AM still writing about how alienated my soul is here. In other words, I'm doing fine, but I could be doing great.