A Lost Soul Running Home
Recently I have found myself in an existential-coming-of-age-life-crisis. What is my purpose? What are my passions? What is reality beyond what I believe to be real, and thus what is the point? These questions became most pertinent in the demanding, high-pressure setting of college life. I asked myself - Why write this paper that I am not inspired to write? There's a simple formula I can follow to write this paper, get an A (or at least almost), get a good grade in the class, graduate with honors, all so that I can get a job doing... what? What do I want to do with my life? Granted, I know I'm young and certainly too young to have the answers to the rest of my life - we're never quite old enough for that - but these questions left me quite without motivation. Needless to say, my grades this past semester (while not horrific) did not prove my potential, but rather all that I am capable of NOT doing. Not willing to waste everyone's time, LOTS of money, and a great opportunity (and a few more reasons) I decided to take a leave of absence. So now I'm home. To read about my wanderings and rantings you can check out my blog http://loveinvincible.blogspot.com. But on to the marathon... I was inspired to run a marathon by a family friend. A sophomore in high school, she just decided she would do it. I figured, hey, sounds like a good idea... I guess I'll run one too... ...Well, I mean, it's more than that. Running a (1/2) marathon is a challenge akin to writing that A-paper (on a small scale) or the college process (on a larger scale), but it's a challenge that I am choosing to take on rather than a paper that has simply been assigned to me. It gives me a chance to push myself physically and even more so mentally. It makes me happy and boosts my self-esteem as I see the progress that I am making. It gives me a clearly defined goal that I am working towards, which is a very stabilizing structure in my life of current uncertainty off "the beaten path." The direction and purpose of running, and the vibrancy of inspiration tingling in my head and lingering in my body as I push towards the finish line are so satisfying. As I head back to my car after a good run - curly hair blazing out around my flushed, red face, shaking out sore limbs and stretching tight calves, light dim with the decision of night and February mist - I never fail to find clarity and a profound feeling of being a little more settled.
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I wrote that around the beginning of March, after I first started training. This is the latest update from the training blog that I've been writing for the San Francisco Marathon Training Program:
The Race Approaches
And as it does I run on my own… I particularly haven’t been making the effort to go to training recently. I’ve been finding a lot of enjoyment in my runs, a very simple enjoyment. I don’t really realize that I’m running a half-marathon in a few weeks. I have not really wrapped my head around a “training” mindset, a pressured and directed mindset with a very specific goal in mind.
As I’ve run, when I’ve run, I’ve thought to myself, Running as a mode of transportation or, Running as a mode of adventure and observation (I’ve been running on trails and in new neighborhoods). With that mindset – running both as a way to move myself and to explore and enjoy my surroundings – the process of running has been much more enjoyable for me. I’m not racing, I have no particular goal or destination, the journey is the whole point. I am not training, I am simply roaming on my feet. Running allows me to discover and appreciate.
I like this mindset, it’s a way of living.
I’m not sure, however, how this will work out for me to actually run a half-marathon.
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